armor

you may not see it, but it’s there.

my armor.

a protection, worn especially heavy over my heart.

there is damage done that can never be reversed, but there is much left to give and share with those dear to me.

trust.  it takes longer now than it ever did before.

i feel too much for this world.  it feels as though i was born for another time, another place.  a kinder, more loving world.

there is goodness in so many, and i feel connected to it, to them, often times, it’s immediate.  then, there are those, that, for no reason known to me, judge (blindly).

then there is the factor of self, the armor doesn’t always protect the body and mind from itself.

there are people in this world that do not operate the way that i do.  i know this.  i’ve become more aware as the years pass.   pearl s. buck put it quite well:

“…a human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. … a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death…”

those that understand, will understand.  (sympathy)  those that don’t, but do care, will try to comfort (empathy)  and there are those that do not understand, do not try to understand, and make you feel like less of a person because of how you are.

my world became smaller.  not the “walls closing in on me” smaller.  a smaller group of those that i let in to my heart.  i have learned over the years that i can push myself and pretend, put the happy face on and act like things don’t affect me like they do.  but that is on the outside, and, on the inside, i’m crumbling.  so, i try, to find the balance of knowing that there are days that you have to push yourself, because, you just have to for your own good.  and then, there are days that you must allow yourself to be.

depression wreaks havoc on the soul.  up and down, good and evil.  the exhaustion from the ever present “not good enough, never good enough, don’t make a mistake, can’t make a mistake, everything must be perfect, don’t upset anyone, be perfect, do perfect, say perfect, always, no room for failure”

and so, my armor.  to protect, for the heart can only take so much.

the pain and hurt has made me more aware, more aware of what i never want to feel.  it still hurts when i feel the sting and makes me want to run and hide.  i’m not here to say how to fix everything and feel wonderful for ever and ever.  it’s never going to happen.  but, i try to surround myself with those that i can trust, let in and love.

my armor is there, always, but my heart is willing to love.

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