(reflections on my past, not my present)

love is patient and kind.

love never fails.

but what about when love isn’t love.  like a beautiful box of hope, wrapped in the best paper with the prettiest of bows, with a smile ear to ear at the anticipation of the feeling inside, opened to discover emptiness.

raised voices. cold stares. fear. words said with “because i love you” but that love isn’t love.

you know inside it isn’t, but begin to wonder, what is it. it’s not all bad all the time.

maybe i’m sensitive, maybe it’s me, maybe i need to try harder. and you do. you try.

you try, with tears in your eyes. you try, with fear in your heart. you try, hoping, that if you can just be what they want, they’ll love you. they’ll stop yelling, they’ll stop hurting your soul, breaking your spirit. they’ll see you like they did all those years ago, when you first thought (felt) they were loving, that they cared, that they would protect you. before it all changed, before you found yourself lost in a world you didn’t recognize.

it’s not love. when someone says they “love you” and treat you without it, it isn’t love.

it isn’t love. when they crush your spirit, make you question who you are. make you feel like there isn’t anything left to love, that no one else would want you. that they’re just trying to help you not become who you don’t want to be because they “love” you. it isn’t love.

even when they say it, “i love you”, it isn’t love. it’s empty. hollow words meant to hold something so great, but all that exists is darkness.

it takes time to understand that what may have started as love, isn’t. the words don’t carry any meaning. it cannot bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things. we want it to, but when love isn’t love, it is vacant of the healing and power that honest love possesses.

love that isn’t love, fails.

but remember this, you are worthy of real love. you may struggle as you relearn these things, to trust, to open yourself up. you’ll find yourself struggling to feel that you are enough, you are good, you are not all the things they said you were. you will one day feel love warm your heart, illuminate your soul, fill the box with all it was meant to hold. to know the love that is love, the love that does not behave indecently, does not become provoked, the love that never fails.

be kind to yourself.

love heals hearts.

 

 

 

 

i have learned, that who a person truly is, is on the inside, it’s in their core, the heart and soul of who they are.

many years ago, i was made to question who i was, the very truth that lies inside of me. someone cast the doubts in my head, they told me i was something other than who i knew myself to be, and over time, their opinion cast shadows over my truth. it has taken a long time for those shadows to fade into the light, and even now, i am not completely free of the damage.

it is for these reasons that my trust is no longer immediate as it once was (in the days of my naivety), but rather, it comes over time.  you see, i want so much to believe that every person has nothing but goodness inside, but in this world we live in, evil exists, and that is the truth.

i will never understand how the mind of someone claiming to be one thing, but inside being something completely different works.  who are they, really? do they care, what do they want, what do they feel, do they feel?

we cannot escape truth, for it is there, inside of us and in front of us. no one can take our truth from us, it is always there.  try as they may to take our truth with their lies, they cannot steal what we hold inside of us.

there is such peace in surrounding myself with truth – where love and care motivate the soul. there are good people in this world, with hearts full of love and compassion.

 

you may not see it, but it’s there.

my armor.

a protection, worn especially heavy over my heart.

there is damage done that can never be reversed, but there is much left to give and share with those dear to me.

trust.  it takes longer now than it ever did before.

i feel too much for this world.  it feels as though i was born for another time, another place.  a kinder, more loving world.

there is goodness in so many, and i feel connected to it, to them, often times, it’s immediate.  then, there are those, that, for no reason known to me, judge (blindly).

then there is the factor of self, the armor doesn’t always protect the body and mind from itself.

there are people in this world that do not operate the way that i do.  i know this.  i’ve become more aware as the years pass.   pearl s. buck put it quite well:

“…a human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. … a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death…”

those that understand, will understand.  (sympathy)  those that don’t, but do care, will try to comfort (empathy)  and there are those that do not understand, do not try to understand, and make you feel like less of a person because of how you are.

my world became smaller.  not the “walls closing in on me” smaller.  a smaller group of those that i let in to my heart.  i have learned over the years that i can push myself and pretend, put the happy face on and act like things don’t affect me like they do.  but that is on the outside, and, on the inside, i’m crumbling.  so, i try, to find the balance of knowing that there are days that you have to push yourself, because, you just have to for your own good.  and then, there are days that you must allow yourself to be.

depression wreaks havoc on the soul.  up and down, good and evil.  the exhaustion from the ever present “not good enough, never good enough, don’t make a mistake, can’t make a mistake, everything must be perfect, don’t upset anyone, be perfect, do perfect, say perfect, always, no room for failure”

and so, my armor.  to protect, for the heart can only take so much.

the pain and hurt has made me more aware, more aware of what i never want to feel.  it still hurts when i feel the sting and makes me want to run and hide.  i’m not here to say how to fix everything and feel wonderful for ever and ever.  it’s never going to happen.  but, i try to surround myself with those that i can trust, let in and love.

my armor is there, always, but my heart is willing to love.