safe

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i have been thinking about a return to sharing my writing, it’s been years.

the other night, a dear soul asked me a thoughtful question, and, with that prompt, the words flowed out of me.

a theme kept repeating in that flow, safety.

i logged into my blog for the first in many years, clicking on drafts, the first was, surprisingly, but not, an entry with the title ‘safe’.

i sat and read the words and felt the universe around me, “remember these words?”

the following words were written before a huge transformational period in my life, and are so very telling of the path i did not know i would be walking several years later. 

in honor of myself, my path, my evolution,

i share these words written in 2017

for a long time i’ve found myself saying, “it takes me a long time to trust people”. lately, i’ve found myself thinking about this and what it really means for me, and i’ve realized it’s more about feeling safe, emotionally safe.

when we feel emotionally safe,

we feel free to be ourselves, without fear of judgment,

we feel loved without condition.

emotional safety, it’s soothing, it’s a soft blanket wrapped around your soul, it embraces you as your heart and mind let out a sigh of relief that you don’t have to worry, all you have to do is, be.

it’s a place where i trust that no one is looking at me and judging me for all the things that go on inside my brain, for all the things i struggle to be free from. safe, to be me, and, that, they actually love me, for me. i can talk, even when it doesn’t always make sense, and they listen. they care, even if they don’t understand the why of how i’m feeling.

going back to the definition of what emotionally safe is helps me to define and identify the opposite, feeling emotionally unsafe  –  “fear to be ourselves, fear of being judged, the fear of not fulfilling the conditions or being good enough to receive love”. my journey has provided me with the wisdom of what unsafe feels like for me, including people and situations that make me feel emotionally unsafe.

i know i’m an emotional being, i know i feel a lot, i know things affect me, maybe more than many,  and i’m learning how, who i am, all i am, is me, and that emotional safety is really important for me to have in all of my human relationships.

i try to be this person to others. one of my many mantras is, “you are not alone”, it has always been important that no one ever feel alone. that no one ever feel like that they don’t have a place to seek comfort, a safe place, a sanctuary.  no matter what, you should always know you have a place to go where you feel loved and safe.

 

when love isn’t love

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(reflections on my past, not my present)

love is patient and kind.

love never fails.

but what about when love isn’t love.  like a beautiful box of hope, wrapped in the best paper with the prettiest of bows, with a smile ear to ear at the anticipation of the feeling inside, opened to discover emptiness.

raised voices. cold stares. fear. words said with “because i love you” but that love isn’t love.

you know inside it isn’t, but begin to wonder, what is it. it’s not all bad all the time.

maybe i’m sensitive, maybe it’s me, maybe i need to try harder. and you do. you try.

you try, with tears in your eyes. you try, with fear in your heart. you try, hoping, that if you can just be what they want, they’ll love you. they’ll stop yelling, they’ll stop hurting your soul, breaking your spirit. they’ll see you like they did all those years ago, when you first thought (felt) they were loving, that they cared, that they would protect you. before it all changed, before you found yourself lost in a world you didn’t recognize.

it’s not love. when someone says they “love you” and treat you without it, it isn’t love.

it isn’t love. when they crush your spirit, make you question who you are. make you feel like there isn’t anything left to love, that no one else would want you. that they’re just trying to help you not become who you don’t want to be because they “love” you. it isn’t love.

even when they say it, “i love you”, it isn’t love. it’s empty. hollow words meant to hold something so great, but all that exists is darkness.

it takes time to understand that what may have started as love, isn’t. the words don’t carry any meaning. it cannot bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things. we want it to, but when love isn’t love, it is vacant of the healing and power that honest love possesses.

love that isn’t love, fails.

but remember this, you are worthy of real love. you may struggle as you relearn these things, to trust, to open yourself up. you’ll find yourself struggling to feel that you are enough, you are good, you are not all the things they said you were. you will one day feel love warm your heart, illuminate your soul, fill the box with all it was meant to hold. to know the love that is love, the love that does not behave indecently, does not become provoked, the love that never fails.

be kind to yourself.

love heals hearts.

 

 

 

 

the truest of true – friendship

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the truest of true know no time or distance, they are forever there. no matter the time, the distance, forever in your heart, you care for them, they care for you and when you see each other, it’s as if no time has passed.

nearly 7 years ago, my world changed. drastically. the life i had known and the people in it were now over 3,000 miles away. my natural ability to trust had been questioned, i was now faced with hoping i could trust and rebuild. the trauma i went through reshaped my trust and, with that, my self-protection kicks in, so when i trust and love you, i do with my whole being, those closest to me are my family and i love them fiercely.

a year ago, my precious seattle family made a huge decision to move to my home coast, moving them nearly 3,000 miles away. i’m not going to lie, it was hard (read: traumatic), many tears were shed (read: sobbed). when you are faced with your truest of true no longer being five minutes away, when those last minute “let’s cook dinner and have an impromptu dance party” are to become memories, it honestly is a loss that one has to mourn.

sometimes we must allow ourselves time to mourn changes in our universe, it can be a period of sadness, but also a period for reflection. during this time, my belief in the truest of true was renewed. i visit, they visit, we laugh, we embrace, the love is forever there, the string connecting our hearts just got a bit longer, stretching the distance, keeping us connected.

through everything, there are those precious few that have stood the test of time and remain with me on this journey of life, i am forever grateful for my truest of trues.  you see, time and distance will do that.  if the truest of true is there, it will always be there.

 

hazy

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IMG_4425[1]healing is a constant journey. there are parts of my life that are hazy, distant memories of a past that does not feel like mine. a place in time where i existed but didn’t live. my life as it is now feels like home, like me, the me i’ve always been.  it makes my past feel so distant and foreign.

(all is not lost disclaimer: mixed among this haze are memories of people i love and times spent with them, those things will forever be dear to me.)

everyone’s lives change, people come and go, we move, we evolve. my personal journey has taken me to places that i long-wished i could forget. as of late, i feel those memories are slowly fading into distant memories, hazy and faraway.

when my brain flashes back to times and places when i was trapped in a life that i thought i would never escape, in a life that was full of tumult and memories that have affected me for a long time – i feel as though i’m looking through a window and peering into a home that isn’t mine. watching people live their lives from a distance, watching myself from the outside.

i feel this haze is a protection for my heart and soul. to dwell on the past can be immobilizing. it can keep us from moving forward, from enjoying the life we have been given, to find happiness and joy.

not every day is easy, with battles i fight within myself, with myself, my journey continues, i’m working on self-compassion, it’s a long trail with hills, bumps and deep valleys.

but, my life now is mine, with new memories clear like a gorgeous cloudless sky.

 

the truth inside

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i have learned, that who a person truly is, is on the inside, it’s in their core, the heart and soul of who they are.

many years ago, i was made to question who i was, the very truth that lies inside of me. someone cast the doubts in my head, they told me i was something other than who i knew myself to be, and over time, their opinion cast shadows over my truth. it has taken a long time for those shadows to fade into the light, and even now, i am not completely free of the damage.

it is for these reasons that my trust is no longer immediate as it once was (in the days of my naivety), but rather, it comes over time.  you see, i want so much to believe that every person has nothing but goodness inside, but in this world we live in, evil exists, and that is the truth.

i will never understand how the mind of someone claiming to be one thing, but inside being something completely different works.  who are they, really? do they care, what do they want, what do they feel, do they feel?

we cannot escape truth, for it is there, inside of us and in front of us. no one can take our truth from us, it is always there.  try as they may to take our truth with their lies, they cannot steal what we hold inside of us.

there is such peace in surrounding myself with truth – where love and care motivate the soul. there are good people in this world, with hearts full of love and compassion.

 

cat tuesday – finding comfort

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this week’s cat tuesday brings us back to peyton and how he is providing comfort to a very shy kitty named tabitha.  i remember meeting tabitha for the first time several weeks ago.  she was curled up in the back of her cage, having no desire to elicit attention, affection or have anyone getting too close to her.  with patience and love, i’ve watched her change from one week to the next.  she is one of those cats that my heart hurts for, to see her so scared and wanting to be able to tell her that she is safe now and that everything will be okay, to show her what love is.

enter peyton.

there is something about sweet peyton that brings her comfort.  tabitha oberves him receiving affection and realizes it must not be so bad, moving her body a bit closer to the humans’ hands she begins to enjoy affection.  together, they lie close to one another, grooming and relaxing.

this week, during my cat tuesday shift, i looked in on peyton and tabitha and i saw the two of them like this

peyton and tabitha holding paws
peyton and tabitha holding paws

how sweet to see the comfort they provide to one another.  paw in paw they have found peace in this moment.

these moments, experiences, touch my heart and soul.

there is always hope.

we don’t always know the history of the animals that come through our doors, we don’t know what they’ve been through, how they’ve been treated or mistreated.  but we do know that they all deserve love.

one of my favorite sayings is “be kind – for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” (plato)

humankind can learn much from these two.  we don’t always know what someone has been through, we can’t change their past but we can affect their present and future.

cat tuesday – peyton

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peyton

asleep on a shelf in the middle colony sat peyton.  his fur, greasy and dirty, ears tattered from neighborhood fights, scars across his nose and the broad jowls that are a visible characteristic of a tom cat.  his life on the streets may have made a mark on him, but his heart is full of hope.

i meet new cats each week during my shift at cat city, and each time, i am patient and slow, observing the body language and reaction which will tell me if i’m invited to get closer or if they need their space.  

knowing that this boy had lived his life on the streets, seeing its mark on his face, i was drawn to him, wanting to give him the loving attention that he had missed out on until now.

Peyton

not only did he allow me to pet him, he wanted me to.  how could i resist.  i sat down, patted my lap and over he came, he pushed his head into my hand and curled up in my lap.

peyton snuggling up on my lap

it was hard to leave this boy, he just wanted love, he just wanted to curl up and stay in this peaceful place with snuggles and attention.  peyton will be an amazing boy for his forever family.  as of this post he is still available for adoption, you can see his details here 

animals deserve to be loved and to know what it’s like to be loved.  please spay and neuter, please keep your pets safe and happy indoors.

where’s the off switch?

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“sit down, relax” – said my brain never.

if my brain came with an off switch, i can’t find it.

“you can’t sit still – there is always something you should be doing.”  clean.  organize.

“sitting and relaxing isn’t going to get you in shape.”  move.  run.

thank goodness no one can see or hear my brain, except for me.

then there are the thoughts, reminders of days (read: years) past.  the constancy is no longer there, but the intensity of it stings the same.  if i’m not kept busy, it’s as if my brain opens up and the evil flows through my entire body.  when someone says “can’t you just sit down and relax” their beautiful sunset filled world of “relax” is not what my world becomes.  if i could just shut off my brain i’d be as golden as that beautiful sunset.

i’m sure i’m not the only one that knows what it feels like, i’m definitely not that special to be the only one with this insanity rolling around in my melon.

i just sent my husband an email saying “can we have an easy night tonight?” and i laugh because i know he will be all for it, i think my asking him is more asking myself for permission to relax.

a glass of wine will definitely help.

here’s to finding the off switch (even if I have to uncork it first)

cat tuesday – kittens

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shy & sweet millie - out from under her hiding spot and learning humans aren't so bad
shy & sweet millie – out from under her hiding spot and learning humans aren’t so bad

kitten season is a busy time for shelters, starting in late spring/early summer through the end of fall, the little ones come through the doors and, at times, take over the available space.

their situations, histories, personalities vary and they are more than just a cute and tiny ball of fur.  they will get bigger, they will become an adult and they all hope that their families will take care of them for their entire lives.  i share their hope, each and every adoption i do, i hope beyond everything that their new families love them for more than just the cute factor.

this is millie.  i don’t know much about her life before she came to PAWS, she was found as a stray, thankfully she made it to the shelter.  shy and unsure, she was hiding away from everyone and everything.  i tried a few times through my shift to give her some comfort, i would hold her and she would let out this deep “mrow” that broke my heart, and all i wanted to tell her was that she was safe and it was okay.  at the end of the night, with quiet all around, i reach down and picked her up, holding her close to my chest, i covered her with a blanket so she could feel safe. she let out the “mrow” a few times, and then, I felt purrs, and her sweet eyes looked up at me.

i sat down with her, and after a bit she was comfortable and happy on my lap, her head perched on my arm and then resting in my hand, she was realizing that humans aren’t so bad, and that some snuggling is good for her too.

safe and snuggled
safe and snuggled

millie has the cutest pink nose and the softest fur, she’s adorable and i’m sure someone will fall in love with her very soon.

kittens are cute, they’re adorable, and there are a lot of them.  did you know that a cat can have her first litter of of kittens when she is just 5-6 months old?  please spay and neuter, please.

all companion animals at PAWS are spayed/neutered prior to be being available for adoption.

cat tuesday – emma

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this week’s cat is emma.  a very special name to me, as it’s my middle name which i was given in remembrance of my great-grandmother, whom my father loved very much, she died before i was born, but her name stays with me always.

back to feline emma.

miss emma is a sweet and pretty tortie who came to PAWS with several other cats from a home that had too many cats.

when i first met emma, her shyness broke my heart, as she peered from inside her hidey-bin.  she wants nothing more than to have you pet her, she’ll push her head against your hand, asking for more, all the while purring away.  just look at this face

emma sitting pretty at the window
emma sitting pretty at the window                                                            (c) k.emma 2013

oh and as soon as you touch her back, she’ll shoot her butt straight up in the air, we call this the “butt elevator” and she’s great at it, it’s her way of saying “yes, I like that VERY much!”

hello elevator butt!
hello elevator butt!                                                                                             (c) k.emma 2013

i chose emma for my cat tuesday because, i’m afraid she gets overlooked so often.  during visiting hours, she’s most likely to be found in one of the hidey-bins around the colony.  when potential adopters come through, they don’t often pay much attention to the cats in the bins, and, she is one of the many amazing ones that are hiding away, a hidden gem of sweetness.

last night, at the end of my shift, i went into the colony she resides in (the orange colony, as you can tell by the wall shelf color), there she was, in her bin.  she looked out at me, i soft-blinked at her, she soft-blinked back, and i knew then she was my cat tuesday girl.  i sat down next to her bin, placed my hand inside and began to pet her, she purred, bumped my hand with her head when i stopped and was content.  when the day had come to a close for cat city, and all was quiet, out came emma from her bin and she perched herself on the wall shelf.  there she stayed as she soaked up attention, pets and love.

content on her wall shelf
content on her wall shelf                                                                                   (c) k.emma 2013

these are my thoughts; emma is an amazing and sweet lady.  she is loving and mellow.  she would be most comfortable and happy in a quiet adult-only home.  if you are looking for a sweet cat to bring into your life, maybe emma is for you.  if you think she’s as beautiful as i do, and she sounds as sweet as she, you can visit her at the cat city location of paws in the university district of seattle.  just remember, she’s probably in one of the bins, so ask one of the staff members or very helpful volunteers if you can visit with her and they’ll take you into a private room where you can get acquainted (and hopefully, fall in love).

you can read more about emma here

until next time, be kind to animals and remember adopt don’t buy!