i go through phases, stages of healing, where, the hurtful things of the past feel so far away that the memories are more from a person i used to know, than me, to times when it feels as though it was yesterday.
and then, i remind myself that these things will never again happen to me. i won’t allow them.
i have a soft heart. it’s good for me, but can be affected greatly by those who don’t have regard for others, for animals, for peace, for love, and on and on.
never again will someone make me feel worthless.
never again will someone call me names.
never again will i be made to feel guilty for being me.
never again will i be threatened by the one who promised to love me.
never again will i hurt the way i have been hurt.
never again will i wish myself forever gone than alive in the life i have.
never again. i won’t allow it.
it has been nearly two years since i found the strength to leave. my heart and soul have settled in to their new life of happiness, kindness, caring and peace. the cuts have healed, the scars remain.
scars tell a story.
i have a scar on my big toe, it’s story is one of summertime camping, a boy at the campground, me being tough and riding my bike without a care, focused on keeping up with the boys, wiping out, not wanting to cry, because i thought i was supposed to be super tough. i have scars from surgeries, a dog bite, burns, each one carries its own story.
i also have scars that no one can see, just like my visible scars, these carry their own stories as well. a word, a voice, a threat.
i’d rather have my scars than the cuts. they’ve healed. i’ve healed, but i’ll never forget the moments behind them.
it’s been nearly two years since i started the healing process. everything begins with a moment, and that was mine. i found my soothing salve, i found kindness and love.
those scars remind me of how a person should never be treated, and a way that i will never again feel.
words hold such deep meaning for me. they can create images, convey thoughts, emotions.
writing is healing for me. coming upon words, written by others, that move me runs deep within.
from time to time, i’ll share these.
this shall be the first of many.
to laugh often and much;
to win respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children.
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
this is to have succeeded.
– ralph waldo emerson
it takes time for the realization to come and it takes even longer to accept it. for me, it was a hint early on, a nudge that i pushed away. i was young, emotionally tender. i did not understand how someone could be such a way. i am not saying that i was ignorant to human nature, i, had just been fortunate to be surrounded by examples of love.
it’s those first times of that “feeling”, the feeling of knowing that something isn’t right. the “feeling” of your heart hurting from cruel words, a raised voice, a look. it’s feeling crazy that you feel that way, it must be you, because you’re told it is.
it takes time, sometimes, longer than anyone would ever think it would take. but these realizations are personal, each person that has gone through something similar, knows this. you can’t put your time-table on someone else. especially in these situations.
when the realization comes back stronger, pulling at your heart, you’ll know, or, maybe, just start to listen to yourself.
if you can find that strength to hear yourself, you’ll feel the power you have within your soul.
i found my power and if you’re reading this because you want to find yours, know that you can, please know that you can.
it didn’t happen in a day, not even a year. it was journey of over 11 years that brought me to the place i now call home.
the realization of being lost came through pain, hurt and a destroyed spirit.
the healing is part of the journey, but the story has only begun. it’s a new beginning.